Superhero Sex Tape
by Wordsplat
Summary: When the Avengers become strapped for cash, their natural response is to get drunk and throw around ideas to raise money until they stumble upon what is clearly a million dollar idea. Domestic Avengers oneshot, vaguely pre-TonyxSteve


With Tony as a backer, for a long time the Avengers never gave money much thought. Then, of course, the inevitable happened; Pepper threw down the gauntlet on Tony's drinking. She cut him off, informing him he was locked out of the company completely-and, subsequently, his money-until he quit. Tony, of course, was being as stubborn as usual, which was making the Avengers a little more strapped for cash than they were used to.

Finally, they tried to stage an intervention for Tony. After it predictably failed and Tony stormed out, they stayed and had a fundraising meeting. They lounged on the couch in the rec room for a number of hours throwing around ideas, but none of them would work. Frustrated, Clint ironically decided it was time to raid the liquor cabinet. Steve didn't touch it, Bruce had a few, and Thor knocked back plenty, but Clint and Natasha really hit it hard. It spiraled, since Clint was obviously a lightweight, and the only effect on Natasha was perhaps talking more a bit more. They competed to come up the most ridiculous solutions, each having to drink if they were outdone. At last, with a quiet thoughtfulness _completely_ disproportionate to his suggestion, it was Bruce that topped them both.

"We could sell Tony's tapes of him and Steve having sex."

Dead silence.

"That's...actually...that's a really good idea."

"Natasha!" Steve's voice was perhaps more squeaky than he would have liked.

"Bruce, yer a _genius_," Clint slurred at the scientist incredulously.

"Clint!" Steve objected again.

"What are these tapes you speak of?" Thor questioned.

"Steve," Clint took Steve by the shoulders seriously, "Steve, we could buy the world."

"Tony has plenty of money, we don't need to-"

"Steven, you are copulating with the Man of Iron?" Thor asked incredulously.

"_What?_"

"Tony can't touch his money right now though," Natasha reminded Steve.

"And we owe it to the city to pay for the damage our last battle caused," Bruce interjected somewhat guiltily, remembering vaguely yelling 'Hulk smash, Hulk smash!' repeatedly as he tore through the streets, destroying both enemy and property.

"I am greatly confused at present-" Thor tried to interject, but was cut off by Clint's whining.

"I'm _hungry_, Steve! you can't let me starve, I'm a superhero!"

"We have plenty of food here, Clint, Pepper wouldn't let us starve," Steve shot back.

"Whatever. We need cash, Steve. Cash, money, greenbacks," Clint rubbed his fingers together sloppily in Steve's face as he reached the bottom of yet another bottle, "And it's more likely I'mma miss my target than either one'a those two gives in."

"It's more likely for America's favorite superheroes to release a sex tape," Natasha pointed out.

"Exactly. Come on, think of the team here, Steve," Clint admonished.

"It has not been clarified, I do not understand what it is this 'sex tape' you speak of-" Thor tried, only to be shut down again, this time by Bruce.

"Am I the only one who's wondering why he hasn't denied one exists yet?" Bruce observed with a curiously raised eyebrow.

As it turned out, Steve's face _could_ get redder.

"Th-that's...it...I, T-Tony," Steve spluttered, unable to find the words. After another moment of incredulous floundering, he finally declared, "Dr. Banner, I have made no such thing!"

Bruce shrugged but before he could reply, Natasha shook her head.

"Tony's got the house wired, you think he doesn't videotape you two?"

"We don't do...t-that!" Steve stammered incredulously, but was over-shadowed by Clint.

"Damn!" he declared, popping open another bottle, "Superhero sex, who'da thunk it? My life is _awesome_."

"Why? You're not the one having superhero sex," Bruce observed.

"Man, I _am_ a superhero. Any sex with me is superhero sex," Clint winked at Natasha, with obvious difficulty.

"Are you having a seizure?" Natasha raised an eyebrow.

"I think it only counts if you have actual superpowers, like Steve and Thor," Bruce mused, still considering the qualifications of 'superhero sex', "And me, if you count gamma radiation."

"I do not have these 'superpowers' of which you speak, Dr. Banner, I am merely an Asgardia-"

"Tony and I did not-!"

"No fair, why does only Tony get superhero sex?" Clint whined to Natasha, ignoring both Thor and Steve's confused protests.

"I said, we didn't-!"

"Oh please, Steve, you're Captain America, by definition you're an awful liar," Natasha in turn ignored Clint, and instead dismissed Steve's denial with a laugh.

"But I'm not ly-!"

"Naaat," Clint whined again, "Why does only Tony get superhero sex?"

"How would I know?" Natasha shrugged.

"Ask Steve," Bruce suggested with a suppressed laugh.

"_Tony and I did not have sex!_" Steve practically roared with embarrassed frustration.

Silence fell amongst the group a moment, the sheer volume of Steve's outrage stunning them for a moment.

"Well," Clint huffed, somehow offended, "Fine. Be that way. Don't sell your superhero sex tape. Don't get enough money to own the world, what do I care, I'll just waste away to nothing over here as my stomach eats itself..."

"Clint, go make yourself a sandwich or something if you're that hungry," Natasha rolled her eyes.

"You're the woman here, you make a sandwich."

Natasha's eyebrows skyrocketed dangerously.

"I'll make a sandwich you want one I'll make you one anyway please don't kill me," Clint rambled, rattling off nonsense as he managed to get up and stumble away drunkenly in the general direction of the kitchen.

"Why should you not make the man the sandwich he desires?" Thor questioned, and Natasha gave a long-suffering sigh. Given no answer, Thor continued, "And what are these 'tapes', and why do Steven and Anthony want to copulate with it? Truly, you midgardians-"

"I do _not_ want to have sex with Tony!"

"Now that's just hurtful, Captain Purity Ring."

"Tony!" Steve blushed profusely, embarrassed even further, "I, well, I didn't mean-they just-"

"We were telling him you guys should sell your sex tapes to get the money to pay off our debt to the city," Bruce explained.

"Good idea," Tony nodded in approval.

"Ah-HA! Liar!" Clint declared, waving a finger at Steve. He'd returned from the kitchen empty-handed, because upon finally finding it, he'd promptly forgot his purpose in going there, "I _knew_ you guys were screwing!"

"I wasn't lying!" Steve all but squeaked, "I don't know what Tony's talking about!"

"Oh, we don't have one," Tony shook his head, "It's just a good idea."

"Wait, you mean you _aren't_ sleeping together?" Natasha raised an eyebrow.

"Nope. But I think it's a fantastic idea. C'mon Capsicle, duty calls, we've got a sex tape to make."

"Tony!"

"Fine, fine," Tony sighed, plopping down on the couch next to Steve and throwing his arm around the other man, "Have it your way snookums."

"Don't call me that," Steve huffed, but allowed Tony's arm to remain where it was.

"Ah, relax, Captain. Anyway, I made a deal with Pepper, so I'm back in the company and we won't be needing the money regardless. Watching you guys get wasted was a kick though, so no harm no foul."

The Avengers were quiet a moment, before Thor spoke up at last.

"My friends, I remain greatly confused."

"Tony and Steve are still working through their unresolved sexual tension, Clint's still being an idiot, Natasha debated whether or not to kill Clint for still being an idiot, I got a laugh out of it, and you had very little idea what was going on," Bruce clapped the big guy on the back, "So, the usual."

"I see," Thor said, though he clearly didn't.

"Also," Clint added, "We're all totally drunk."

"Delightful! Cheers, comrades, we are drunk!"

The group paused. Then, all at once,

"Cheers!"


End file.
